spiritofcamelot:

On proper passcodes

Q was sick and tired of people in this building. It was the third attack in as many days on their network. And he had traced the entry points. All the computers of double-oh agents. Q investigated and their passwords were the absolute worst. Licensetokill, 00001, 800813S, and passcode.

Q had to something about it. And drastic times called for drastic measures.


Q slipped a sleeping drug into the drinks of the double-ohs, rendering them unconscious before they knew what had befallen them. With the help of his minions, they secured each agent in a lane of the shooting range. Each one tied to a chair. A wireless keyboard on their laps. The soundproof walls were up, the agents could not hear each other. Only Q’s voice over the speakers as he spoke to all of them.

“Of late, this agency has been plagued by mediocre hackers. A nuisance, but not once my staff should be wasting their time on.” Q sat idly back in his office chair, feet on the desk, fingers steepled, as he spoke into the microphone. “I have investigated and discovered that the points of entry could be traced to one office. Yours. Your passcodes are weaker than than a bridge made out of bubbles.” It wasn’t his best analogy, but he was peeved.

“Now I know you have all sat through the mandatory seminars on computer security.” They had not. 003’s face said that he knew that perfectly well and he might be regretting skipping it soon. “So I ask each of you to give me a secure passcode, and then you may leave.”

004 had actually attended this meeting. He quickly typed in a passcode. jsyk85fn%u*psndt=>

Q hit a key on his own keyboard and released the agent.

0016 was the next to try. Cmper4lyf Q rolled his eyes. That was the password he already had. S single keystroke and an electric shock was delivered to the agent’s chair. “Passcodes should not hint at your personal life,” he reminded all of them.

009 went next. Breakf4st_@_T1ffanE Better, but not good enough for MI6. Another shock. “Passcodes should not include recognisable phrases.”

On and on it went. More stupid passcodes, more shocks delivered. R stopped by the office to deliver a memo and stayed to watch the camera feeds. Some of the agents finally started to catch on and were released. Half an hour later, only 003 and 007 were left.

003 kept suggesting inappropriate passcodes and Q was of half a mind to actually poison him and then suggest he be relegated to desk duty, although that would mean Q would have to see him around the building more often. Maybe he would just leave him in here to escape on his own while the system shocked him at random intervals.

007 actually had not been shocked once. He had been thinking. Well, thinking or sleeping, sometimes it was hard to tell. But now he roused and typed a passcode. R_U_free_4_dinner?//shock_if_yes

Damn him.

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